photo by Alexander Laurence
TINY TIM: The Impotent Troubadour (1996)
I did an interview with Tiny Tim for CUPS Magazine a few months before he died. I drove out to Laughlin Nevada to meet him, and it was one of the most bizarre events in my life. He was playing in one of those retro sixties shows with some guys from Badfinger. We spoke for an hour in the casino office. Then we went up to this hotel room, and he gave me some orange juice. Many indie labels started releasing records by him.
by Alexander Laurence
Alexander: Very prolific of you with all these three CDs coming out at once: I
Love Me, Girl, and Prisoner of Love. What prompted this?
Tiny Tim: When it rains it pours. I Love Me was done in 1993. Steve Rubin
started it, God rest his soul. The Girl album was done in 1988 in Denton, Texas.
Prisoner of Love was done in 1994 and that's just coming out now. I've never
recorded a better one than this one.
You've had a low profile since the early ’70s?
TT: I've never retired from this business. I could not afford to. 1968 to
1969 were the great years. In 1970, the slump came. Success in the usual cases is
two years. After that the fickle public wants something new.
What was the secret of the success of your big hit, "Tiptoe Through the
TT: I thank Jesus Christ for his blessings. I prayed about it in 1954 when I
was thrown out in the media for my long hair and white makeup. Parents asked
me, "What's wrong with him?" and "What is going on here?"
What's this Tiny Tim thing all about?
TT: That's what Larry King asked when I was on his radio show. I didn't know
how to answer this question because the only thing I can tell you is that at
Loews Theater--I worked there in 1951--at the Christmas Party they have
employees sing for us. I sang a song called, "Never." I was uptight and I bombed out.
Right after Christmas something had to change.
You needed a way to stand out?
TT: Beautifully put. Something cried inside of me: change, change!! So in
1952, I decided that I was not good-looking and I didn't want cut this nose
because I was afraid of operations. So I took a challenge to try to make it with
this long nose. I must tell you that I always liked women, but they were not
that much attracted to me. I had to find two things: a career and what would
appeal to women. Certain women who fit into my princess dream world.
What sort of women are these?
TT: I'll give you an example: a woman who you know is Elizabeth Taylor. I met
her in 1947 and when she saw me there, her eyes popped out of her head. She
threw me a kiss from the cab. Some fellow said she likes anyone who makes her
eyes pop out of her head. That inspired me. I wanted to make it to her level. I
dream of a certain face that fits into my dream world and I had to have
something because of my looks. I started cleansing my skin eight times a day. I
used Pawns from Woolworths. Landers cream from Woolworths 25 cents.
That sounds kind of fruity.
TT: It's only fruity if you're fruity. I wanted my skin to be soft and
immaculate. Clean it, use astringent, night cream, eye cream, and if I can, a throat
cream. I wash my hair every day and haven't missed a shower since December
20, 1989. Cleanliness is next to godliness, but with women it was more so. I
wanted to appeal to women by cleansing and using cologne and light makeup. When
I made it with Tiptoe through the Tulips, the world was saying, "This guy is a
fag." It was worth it when one makes it. Originality is the key to success.
My main appeal as it is now: Jesus Christ comes first, romance comes second,
and show business comes later. I just saw two nice young girls come here. Just
to see that is heaven. They say: what a nice guy Tiny Tim! He signs so many
autographs. What they don't know is that I'm looking for one or two angels in
the crowd who might be the trophy winner in my dreams. Now I'm married to
Miss Sue and can't give any trophies out. She is 40-years old and I am nearing
65. The only thing with women is the Bible says I can't touch them until
marriage. Unfortunately, I'm no saint.
You've touched women outside marriage?
TT: Terrible, it was a sin of fornication. Every time that happens, I pray to
the Lord for forgiveness. I didn't say it was right because Masters and
Johnsons says it's normal.
How many trophies are we talking about?
TT: Thirteen trophies from 1963 to 1982. My first trophy came out to a girl
called Mrs. Snookie. I worked in New York in a club called The Page Three.
Police closed it because girls liked each other that went to that club.
So I wanted to appeal to women. First the high voice came. The high voice was
a miracle because at that time I sounded like everybody else.
Where'd the high voice come from?
TT: There was a feeling in the heart in 1952. I'd pray to Jesus "Oh lord, I
needed a change." It just came over me while singing Tony Bennett's 'Because of
you.' It sounded original. My father told me, "Stop that fairy voice. What
happened to your other voice?"
Looking at myself I didn't like short hair. I emulated a picture of
Valentino. It was not the long hair alone. It was the white face makeup with the long
hair. I wore the white face because it gave me a feeling of purity with
women. I see women as pure angels and it kept me in that facility with women. Tan
makeup made me feel too heavy in my soul whereas the white makeup was it. In
1954--high voice was there, the makeup was there and the long hair was there
and not just for show business. I wanted to find an eternal princess. Trying to
get jobs was difficult; going on the train with long hair and white face
makeup and cologne crowded customers would clear out as soon as I sat near
someone. They would get up and leave.
I notice you are a follower of Jesus Christ.
TT: In 1952, I found Jesus Christ. There was a touch where all of the sudden
I felt all my little worries. I mean I was so worried about the Dodgers. I
would cuss and swear when they lost one game and when I found Jesus Christ, the
most important thing was to get to heaven.
Will you get heaven?
TT: It's only up to him to judge. I can never make that judgment. I have to
work harder and harder all the time.
So you think the competition is thick to get to heaven?
TT: If we just sit here and think about anyone who ever lived, it would be so
uncountable. We'll see the great stars and singers of King Arthur's court.
Show business does not start with this time. I want to know who the stars were
then. I disagree with the Pope. I think there will be s-e-x in heaven or on new
Sex in heaven?
TT: Why do I believe there will be s-e-x in heaven? For the kids who died in
abortions, for the kids who died in their mothers' womb, for those who died in
wars, for the Mongoloids and the cripples. I believe they will have a taste
of it in the new world to come. In this world you can look at them but there's
always a line where you can not go further. For example I would love to go
with a 15-year-old girl if her parents said it was okay.
We could set you up with somebody.
TT: It's wrong for me to fool around because God says, "Thou shall not commit
fornication." There is an angry god right now. He is angry at man and woman
because so many people are divorcing and fooling around before marriage. Like
he almost destroyed the world with Noah. Look at what is happening today: the
unrest with Israel, England, and this thing with China.
These are the end times.
TT: Oh, the beginning of the end times.
Is the rapture approaching?
TT: Nobody knows when. It comes closer. However if the world goes on, we
ended the first half. If the world continues, we are finally going to meet
outer space aliens. Either from different galaxies or from another dimension
Are they related to Jesus Christ, the aliens? Was he an alien?
TT: Oh no, he was the son of God. But he may have created the aliens. I don't
Why do you think it will happen?
TT: You take Verne, Da Vinci, and Spielberg. In Da Vinci's time he sketched
wings for man. Verne did the submarine ahead of its time. Speilberg has his
vision of how they look -subconscious revelations of what aliens look like. As
for myself, I couldn't go in the army when I got drafted in 1951. They asked why
I wanted to go. I said it is a chance to go to the moon. They rejected me and
classified me as 4G which means if they bomb New York City we'll call you.
Now these things are coming true. I believe that 100 years from now they'll be
saying, 'how can you marry that creature from Mars or that creature from Saturn
or from wherever.' All these things will happen if the world goes on and
Christ doesn't come back. The question that will come up then is whether the
banishment to the Garden of Eden will only apply to earth or to the whole universe.
I think it will apply to the whole universe.
Will the aliens be subject to Christ?
TT: Yes, or they would have a God of their own. I believe personally it will
be the same God of Israel through Jesus Christ.
A lot of people see you as a novelty act. How do you see yourself?
TT: I'm the master of confusion. There is no explanation. As long as I please
him and walk with him, that's what counts. It is the same with the abortion
issue: abortion is absolutely wrong. The only time an abortion should be
allowed is if the mother's life is in danger. We could have been aborted, never
would have tasted pizza, never would tasted ice cream. The scripture says the body
is not your own. It is legal murder and that is why I am for Pat Buchanan. He
is the only one to stand up against abortion which is the murder of a life.
All the rest are prostituting themselves for the election. Number 2- Condoms in
Have you ever used a condom?
TT: Never did. Even to look at the thing. In the 1940s, those things were so
secretive. They'd hide them in the back of the store. I don't believe in
[the] rhythm [method] or birth control. That is why women have cancers, lumps, and
tumors because they wish to stop a flow the Lord does not wish to stop. That
is why Olivia Newton John had cancer. Birth control creates cancer. It is
causing a lack of the white race while poorer races who don't believe in it are
multiplying because the white man has decided to take it easy and wait until he
is 40. What is happening is all the dark races are multiplying while the white
man is diminishing. The quota is getting lopsided.
Overpopulation is the biggest false philosophy. Satan is a beautiful prince
that looks like Fabio. He is jealous of God. He goes to the United nations and
offers the false lie of overpopulation in China. I'm for life on every planet.
We can never be over populated: we can make a haven on the moon, a haven on
So Planned Parenthood is part of Satan?
TT: In my opinion, yes.
Are you sick of playing "Tiptoe Through the Tulips?"
TT: I never yield to the tiredness. Never bite the hand that feeds you.
How many Top 40 songs did you have?
TT: "Tiptoe" hit number 17 and that was the only one. It had such a furor in
1968. One disc jockey who went on strike didn't want to play it.
Why is that?
TT: He thought it was too odd. It blew his mind.
Another thing you're famous for is getting married on the "Tonight
TT: Miss Vicki. She was 17-years old and I was near 40.
How long did the marriage last?
TT: Four years.
Was she too young?
TT: Age does not matter. A person knows as much at 17 as they do at 47.
Whose idea was it to get married on TV?
TT: Mr. Carson's.
Why did you agree?
TT: I would smitten by her and I told the press. Carson asked me to marry
her on his show. It would make her mother happy and save the expenses.
How is your latest marriage going?
TT: I must also say that I am impotent. I discovered this in July 1994. It
happened like that maybe because blood diabetes or age. I told this to Ms. Sue and
press and even made a documentary record in England called, "Songs of the
Impotent Troubadour." The reason I made this album is to show that even if you're
impotent, you can still sing love songs. Miss Sue doesn't care that I can't
enter her. The album has sold a thousand copies in two years.
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Posted by Alexander Laurence at 8/29/2007 12:11:00 PM
Five Fingers Make A Fist
Stories by Alexander Laurence
Pollinator Press: OCTOBER 1st, 2007
Evoking Exercises In Style by Raymond Queneau, where the same story is retold 99 times, Alexander Laurence has taken storytelling as the subject of his book. Five Fingers Make A Fist juxtaposes extreme realism, science, poetry and theater in 28 stories told through various points of view, from a baby narrator in "My Birth" to an old lady waiting to die in "The Ballad of Nariyama." Many of the stories take place in San Francisco in the 1990s, yet they are truly universal. Inspired by pop culture, music, and TV, these stories are too entertaining for any literature to get in the way (it's okay if you don't get the literary references and in-jokes the first time). The characters become so twisted by their own self invention that they start to believe their own made up stories about themselves and the world. Sometimes their self-made fantasy becomes a truer version. What is real? What is a mask? What is good old storytelling? Prepare to have the world turned upside down.
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This book is finally out. The character that is based on Laura Warholic, I lived with and went out with the three years before Theroux met her. I think some character is a composite of me, but I never lived in Boston. Theroux wrote me a bunch of crazy letters ten years ago begging me for details about Laura. He promised to buy me dinner and give me manuscripts.
Prior to his two elegant essay collections, The Primary Colors (1994) and The Secondary Colors (1996), Theroux wrote push-the-envelope works of fiction. Now in his first novel in 20 years, a work that screams "literary event," Theroux takes up a signature theme, thwarted love. Eugene Eyestones is an erudite man of taste and refinement earning his keep by writing an intellectual yet nonetheless scandalous sex column for a Boston magazine published by the grotesquely fat and foul Minot Warholic. Laura, Warholic's homely, straw-thin, slutty, rock-and-roll-fanatic ex-wife, serves as gentlemanly Eugene's unlikely muse, while he dreams of Rapunzel, a fair lady working in a bakery. Weary of the anti-Semitic, racist, misogynist, and homophobic tirades and insults habitually spewed by his cartoonishly vituperative colleagues, Eugene goes on the road with obtuse Laura, touring America's grand spectrum of tackiness. Undeniably funny and compelling, linguistically and intellectually dazzling, as well as offensive and outrageously prolix, Theroux's spiky catchall satire of the myriad ills of contemporary culture and the divide between idealized love and unbridled lust grinds and thrashes its way to an obliterating conclusion. Donna Seaman
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved
A brilliant satire from one of the great novelists of his time.
In his first novel in nearly twenty years, Alexander Theroux, National Book Award Nominee, returns with a compendious satire, a bold and inquisitorial circuit-breaking examination of love and hate, of rejection and forgiveness, of trust and romantic disappointment, of the terrors of contemporary life. Eugene Eyestones, an erudite sex columnist for a Boston cultural magazine, becomes enmeshed in the messy life of a would-be artist named Laura Warholic, who, repulsing and fascinating him at the same time, becomes a mirror in which he not only sees himself but through which he is forced to face his own demons. Not only does she inadvertently supply him with material for his columns, but she exemplifies all that Eugene considers wrong with contemporary America (of which the publishing profession and its recognizable denizens serves as a microcosm)—a garish and dunce-filled Babylon that Theroux scorches with inventive and relentless satire. Nostalgic for the old days and old manners, a way of life lost to grace, loving from afar a mysterious beauty named Rapunzel Wisht, Eugene fights against the rising tide of stupidity, focusing on Laura in the hope that by saving her he can validate his ethical beliefs. But feckless Laura and the colorful but bizarre cast of characters surrounding Eugene—brilliant bigots, nihilists, Generation-X slackers and zanies of all sexual persuasions—threaten to pull him under, leading to the novel's unforgettable conclusion, a climax of betrayal and redemption of Dostoevskyan power.
As in all of Theroux's works, his maximalist and pyrotechnic prose style and searching intellect are the chief attractions, capable of outrageous comedy, nuanced philosophical discussions, winsome love scenes, flame-throwing tirades, subtle theological musings, and an unflinching genius for a profound if merciless look at the human condition. Horrifying and hilarious, damning and demanding, Laura Warholic in its uncompromising power will surely be one of the most talked-about novels of the season, and for years to come.
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Posted by Alexander Laurence at 8/23/2007 08:53:00 AM
Posted by Alexander Laurence at 8/17/2007 01:36:00 AM
Music Is My Boyfriend
August 9th, 2007
Mercury Rev "Delta Sun Bottleneck Stomp" (Chemical Bros)
Dylan "Subterranean Homesick Blues"
Sweet "The 6-Teens"
UNKLE "Burn My Shadow"
Primal Scream "Some Velvet Morning"
Interpol "The Heirich Maneuver"
The Horrors "Count In Fives"
Amy Winehouse "Rehab" (Hot Chip)
Klaxons "Golden Skans"
Kraftwerk "Pocket Caculator"
John Foxx "Underpass"
Gary Numan "Cars"
Ladytron "Softpower" remix
Tegan & Sara "Are You Ten Years Ago?"
Bow Wow Wow "I Want Candy"
Queens Of The Stone Age" "3s and 7s"
The Strokes "Last Nite"
Jarvis "Fat Children" remix
Dream Syndicate "That's What You Always Say"
Arcade Fire "Wake Up"
My Bloody Valentine " Only Shallow"
The Glove "Perfect Murder"
DJ Andrea: played Pulp, Suede, Nancy Sinatra, Hot Chip, The Others, The Rakes, Libertines, Beah Boys, and more....
Blonde Redhead " En Particulier"
Love & Rockets "Ball of Confusion"
Rocky Horror OST "Sweet Transvestite"
The Long Blondes "Lust In The Movies"
Datarock "Fa Fa Fa"
The White Stripes "Icky Thump"
The Cribs "Mens Needs"
Bat For Lashes "What's A Girl To Do?"
Clinic "If You Could Read Your Mind"
Art Brut "Good Weekend"
The Warlocks "Baby Blue"
Tokyo Police Club "Nature of the Experiement"
Roxy Music "Virginia Plain" Headman remix
Maximo Park "Apply Some Pressure"
Sarah Nixey "Strangelove"
Garbage "I Think I'm Paranoid"
Jesus and Mary Chain "Just Like Honey"
Klaxons "It's Not Over Yet"
Bloc Party "The Prayer"
Dandy Warhols "We Used To Be Friends" remix
Howling Bells "Low Happening"
Velvet Underground "I'll Be Your Mirror"
Donovan "Hurdy Gurdy Man"
Bowie "Up The Hill Backwards"
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Because there will be too many people, and the LA Weekly will write about us and ruin everything. Were you listening to Interpol and TV on The Radio ten years ago? I was and it was sad to see all the naysayers jump on the band wagon years later. This Club is the most VITAL night NOW in LA, and all of history. The ghost of Jim Morrison has been hanging out lately. Here is the info but BEWARE!!!
Music IS MY BOYFRIEND: the club
the downtown LA party for music lovers
Host: Alexander Laurence
Start Time: Thursday, August 9, 2007 at 10:00pm
End Time: Friday, August 10, 2007 at 2:00am
107 West 4th Street @ main
Los Angeles, CA
music is my boyfriend #8 @ Bar 107 / August 9th
Music Is My Boyfriend is the name of our amazing night of NEW MUSIC in
Downtown LA. It happens the second THURSDAY of every month. DJ Alexander Laurence and friends return to BAR 107....
Alexander Laurence (aka The Portable Infinite)
CELEBRATES VINYL and Kurtis Blow OG
New Indie Rock + New Indie Dance + Select Records from the 70s & 80s + you + me + everyone
Sexy videos + free stuff + special appearances
DJ Andrea Sutterfield
More FREE CDs
It is all FREE and there are no lines. It will be packed. Downtown Artwalk precedes this event.
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Posted by Alexander Laurence at 8/06/2007 03:55:00 AM